Slyib's Joke Vault
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Category: Musician Jokes
You Know You're Too Old To Gig When...
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It becomes more important to find a place on stage for your fan than for your amp.
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Your gig clothes make you look like George Burns out for a round of golf.
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All your fans leave by 9:30 p.m.
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All you want from groupies is a foot massage and back rub.
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You love taking the elevator because you can sing along with most of your play list.
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Instead of a fifth member, your band wants to spring for a roadie.
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You don't know (or care) who any of the new bands are.
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You need your glasses to see the amp settings.
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You've thrown out your back jumping off the stage.
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You feel like hell before the gig even starts.
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The waitress is your daughter.
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You stop the set because your ibuprofen fell behind the speakers.
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Most of your crowd just sways in their seats.
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You find your drink tokens from last month's gig in your guitar case.
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You refuse to play without earplugs.
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You ask the club owner if you can start at 8:30 instead of 9:30.
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You check the TV schedule before booking a gig.
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Your gig stool has a back.
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You're related to at least one member in the band.
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You don't let anyone sit in.
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You need a nap before the gig.
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After the third set, you bug the club owner to let you quit early.
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During the breaks, you now go to the van to lay down.
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You prefer a music stand with a light.
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You don't recover from a Saturday night gig until Tuesday afternoon.
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You hope the host's speech lasts forever.
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You buy amps considering their weight and not their tone or cool factor.
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Feeling guilty looking at hot women at the bar 'cause they're younger than your daughter.
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You can remember seven different club names for the same location.
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You have a hazy memory of the days when you could work 10 gigs in 7 days and could physically do it.
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Your set list is danceable.
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You think "homey" means cozy and warm.
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You have to look over your glasses to check your PA connections.
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You're playing the same venue once every three months and you ask the club owner if you can leave your amp!
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Most of the band members are a lot younger than you.
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Your son is waiting for the gig to end to drive you and your stuff home, then go back out and party.
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Your date couldn't make it because she couldn't find a sitter for the grandkids.
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In consideration of your age, the audience requests some British invasion.
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On all out of town gigs you draw straws to see who the driver will be coming home.
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You start listing your truss as a "business expense".
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You forget to take your Flowmax so all sets that night are only 15 minutes long.
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When you get a "Cease and Desist" letter from the Spandex company.
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When you play 2 nights in a row, and the next day your body aches like you played in the Super Bowl!
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Or, you play a Wednesday night gig and call into work sick on Thursday and Friday.
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When the only "Stones" you care about are in your gallbladder or kidney.
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You have to charge extra money if there are any steps to climb.
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Your hearing has deteriorated so badly that you actually ask the guitar player to "turn himself up."
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You call out the next song only to have someone remind you played it 10 minutes earlier.
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Your drugs are keeping you alive rather than killing you.
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You worry more about breaking a hip than being hip.
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Musicians half your age are in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame or have appeared on postage stamps.
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The only white powder to be found amongst the band members is foot talc.
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