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Slyib's Joke Vault

Category: Musician Jokes

You Know You're Too Old To Gig When...

  1. It becomes more important to find a place on stage for your fan than for your amp.

  2. Your gig clothes make you look like George Burns out for a round of golf.

  3. All your fans leave by 9:30 p.m.

  4. All you want from groupies is a foot massage and back rub.

  5. You love taking the elevator because you can sing along with most of your play list.

  6. Instead of a fifth member, your band wants to spring for a roadie.

  7. You don't know (or care) who any of the new bands are.

  8. You need your glasses to see the amp settings.

  9. You've thrown out your back jumping off the stage.

  10. You feel like hell before the gig even starts.

  11. The waitress is your daughter.

  12. You stop the set because your ibuprofen fell behind the speakers.

  13. Most of your crowd just sways in their seats.

  14. You find your drink tokens from last month's gig in your guitar case.

  15. You refuse to play without earplugs.

  16. You ask the club owner if you can start at 8:30 instead of 9:30.

  17. You check the TV schedule before booking a gig.

  18. Your gig stool has a back.

  19. You're related to at least one member in the band.

  20. You don't let anyone sit in.

  21. You need a nap before the gig.

  22. After the third set, you bug the club owner to let you quit early.

  23. During the breaks, you now go to the van to lay down.

  24. You prefer a music stand with a light.

  25. You don't recover from a Saturday night gig until Tuesday afternoon.

  26. You hope the host's speech lasts forever.

  27. You buy amps considering their weight and not their tone or cool factor.

  28. Feeling guilty looking at hot women at the bar 'cause they're younger than your daughter.

  29. You can remember seven different club names for the same location.

  30. You have a hazy memory of the days when you could work 10 gigs in 7 days and could physically do it.

  31. Your set list is danceable.

  32. You think "homey" means cozy and warm.

  33. You have to look over your glasses to check your PA connections.

  34. You're playing the same venue once every three months and you ask the club owner if you can leave your amp!

  35. Most of the band members are a lot younger than you.

  36. Your son is waiting for the gig to end to drive you and your stuff home, then go back out and party.

  37. Your date couldn't make it because she couldn't find a sitter for the grandkids.

  38. In consideration of your age, the audience requests some British invasion.

  39. On all out of town gigs you draw straws to see who the driver will be coming home.

  40. You start listing your truss as a "business expense".

  41. You forget to take your Flowmax so all sets that night are only 15 minutes long.

  42. When you get a "Cease and Desist" letter from the Spandex company.

  43. When you play 2 nights in a row, and the next day your body aches like you played in the Super Bowl!

  44. Or, you play a Wednesday night gig and call into work sick on Thursday and Friday.

  45. When the only "Stones" you care about are in your gallbladder or kidney.

  46. You have to charge extra money if there are any steps to climb.

  47. Your hearing has deteriorated so badly that you actually ask the guitar player to "turn himself up."

  48. You call out the next song only to have someone remind you played it 10 minutes earlier.

  49. Your drugs are keeping you alive rather than killing you.

  50. You worry more about breaking a hip than being hip.

  51. Musicians half your age are in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame or have appeared on postage stamps.

  52. The only white powder to be found amongst the band members is foot talc.

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